I changed my name to Jules and took up skiing,

then rented me a town-house in the Mews,

gave up the pubs and mates that I’d been seeing,

a soft shiraz my latest choice of booze.

I bought some Freud and quoted ancient Latin,

I wore a blazer, with an old school tie,

my underpants were silk, my sheets were satin,

my lounge room had the latest Swiss hi-fi.

I sold my car and bought a bike – Italian,

the latest Rolex glinted on my wrist,

around my neck a heavy gold medallion,

my music now was Brahms, Chopin and Liszt.

My new-found friends had names like Nils and Liam,

we went to every art show, every play,

our Sundays always spent in some museum,

my Mum and Dad decided I’d turned gay.

I called my ex and asked her round to dinner:

a paw-paw rice with chicken Rogan Josh,

a website called my menu: “Woman Winner”

I served the red the magazine called: “posh.”

It may have been the wine, perhaps the chicken,

but suddenly I had her in my arms,

she whispered and her voice began to thicken:

“So show me all your new-age manly charms.”

Back in the lounge, I thought the time propitious,

I played a geisha CD turned down low,

then got down on my knees, explained my wishes –

that her and I could have another go.

She laughed, and stroked my pure-white Afghan puppy,

“My dear, I still recall when we were wed,

the answer’s no - you may be now a yuppie,

but honey, you’re still terrible in bed!”

more of my FUNNY POEMS here