I rat-poisoned the toothpaste, last night at half past ten,

"Please stop drinking, sweetie, please don't bash me up again"

She's pissed me off for one last time, she won't do that no more,

The little bitch went off to bed and locked the bloody door!

Well, what's a bloke to do? I necked another cask of wine

And brooded on the sofa, I will teach the little swine!

Locked out of the bedroom, well, the cow would have to pay -

I'm glad to see the end of her - don't want her anyway.

That rat poison is mongrel stuff, it sure does do the trick,

First you get these painful cramps and then start being sick,

Your stomach lining melts and all your bowels turn into jelly,

It's like a thousand razor blades, flying round your belly.

And then there comes a blackness - Hey! There must be some mistake!

She hasn't left the bedroom yet, oh, for heaven's sake...

It's ME headed for Satan and his hell fire beneath

I woke up with a hangover - forgot - and brushed MY teeth!