Once I put a spider in a tree

Held my hand out “Jump back down to me!”

Spider ran away without a word,

was that eight legs flipping me the bird?

Then I taught an earthworm how to dance

Made a tiny suit, top hat and pants,

booked him on a late night TV show,

sadly, in the Green Room – Cheryl Crow.

Once a bay mare whispered words so sweet

asked if there was someplace we could meet,

Pulling out my whip, I spanked her bot,

stud maybe, but stallion I am not.

Then I found a goldfish who could cry,

wouldn’t let me teach it how to fly,

Fell into the toilet, flushed away,

probably still crying to this day.

Tried to find an otter with a gun,

thought we could go hunting, have some fun,

Found one beaver veteran from ‘Nam

couldn’t make him leave his precious dam.

Bought a zoo so lions would be near

loved the roaring sounds that filled my ear,

One by one my carnivores all died,

somehow dog food never satisfied.

Now I live with ice and polar bear

wrapped in fur to thwart the frosty air,

Sitting here, up to my neck in snow,

serves me right – I’m turning Eskimo.

More of my FUNNY POEMS here