My vision's 20 - 20 and my teeth are hard as rocks,

I never wear a sweater during winters,

I chop my Mother's firewood in a baseball cap and jocks

and never have to worry over splinters.

I hate to put on shoes, I like the earth beneath my feet,

I run six miles each day as sun is rising.

my breakfast is an uncooked piece of feral bullock meat,

you wouldn't find my diet appetizing.

My blood is so unique the doctors gave me some award,

apparently, I have some great corpuscles,

they say that you could tow a semi with my spinal cord,

and even my libido has huge muscles!

I broke my leg and told them they could amputate it off,

no way would I submit to months of plaster,

I drank a quart of anti-freeze to cure a raspy cough,

you have to show your body who's the master!

They said I had malaria, I knew that wasn't right,

I wouldn't give a fever any quarter,

my skin is quite impervious to any insect bite,

I even swim in shark-infested water!

The Cessna engine failed and so I jumped without a chute,

the pilot didn't make it, such a pity,

it really pissed me off, I wrecked a brand-new flying suit,

and plus - I had to walk back to the city!

A bunch of toughs attacked me in a store the other day,

they knew a lot of judo and karate,

I dropped the biggest five - the other losers ran away,

I didn't even spill my iced gelati!

They kicked me out of NASA for a breach of etiquette,

I totally destroyed the simulator,

the mission Captain thought that I would be his teacher's pet -

you should have seen the impact - and the crater!

You'll see me at the local mall, but don't you say hello,

oh no, I'm not an anti-social rough guy.

the stores depend on me, and I'm important, don't you know -

that's me - security - and I'm a tough guy!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here