They never let me steer the ship - I never get a turn,

I'm always doing something down below,

I'll never be a Captain coz I never get to learn,

how can I if I never get a go?

I painted all the binnacles, and oiled the anchor chains,

I cleaned the porthole windows so they're clear,

I even washed the Captain's shorts and got out all the stains -

yet still the mongrel wouldn't let me steer!

I vacuumed out the bridge and polished all the bits of brass,

the ship is such a picture it's unreal,

the Bosun said I missed a little smudge upon the glass

and wouldn't let me get behind the wheel!

I joined this bloody navy to protect our country's realm,

"Come sail around the world" the poster said,

but never has the First Mate told me: "You can take the helm!"

and never have I cried: "Full Steam Ahead!"

It's getting to the stage where I might start a mutiny,

I'll capture all the officers alive,

I know I'll be forgiven, and they won't court martial me -

not when they see how good that I can drive!

I'm sick of swabbing decks and washing dishes, patching holes,

I want to stand and watch that radar blip,

I want to plot a course through all those coral reefs and shoals,

I want to steer the stinking rotten ship!!!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here