I stayed out late again last night - the wife was not amused,

she used the words "divorce" and "drunken bum,"

I vowed to quit my poker games and give up on the booze,

she heard me out, and then went home to Mum.

This morning at the bar I drank my sorrows clean away,

four hours and my thoughts were full of foam,

I'd think up something special - prove that I was still okay,

and then she'd come on back and live at home.

To show her I was keen and my intentions really good

I'd have to do some special thing, myself,

I'd always said that I was handy with a bit of wood,

she'd always said she'd like a kitchen shelf.

A sign up on the hardware store, a "Special Sale" it said,

I gasped at all the screws they had on show,

I bought a dozen different types, with every kind of thread,

and then a voice beside me said: "Hello."

I turned and saw the hardware man, a stocky little guy,

the name tag on his jacket said: "I'm Nate"

he said: "You getting ready for a little D.I.Y?

It's lucky I was here to set you straight!"

"I'm pretty right," I said, "it's just a shelf - not much at all,"

"Not much?" he shook his head and clutched his heart,

"That shelf will be a special thing up on that kitchen wall,

a masterpiece of do-it-yourself art!"

He walked me round the store and loaded things into a bag,

I didn't have a level - or a plumb,

a special hammer so that I could use a special sprag,

I nodded so he wouldn't think I'm dumb.

Some special glue to fix the brackets to the special plank,

a special saw to cut it really fine,

a special sander with a special sawdust-catching tank,

and special chalk to draw the fixing line.

I thought we had enough but then we needed finish coat:

a varnish labeled: glossy, clear and lush,

it needed special goggles, air mask, gloves and antidote,

with special stirrer and a special brush.

We headed to the checkout with two trolley-loads in tow

I didn't like to think about the bill.

he said: "You're very lucky, this is Specials Week you know"

then rang and rang and rang up on the till.

A thousand bucks was hefty for a shelf, I didn't care,

a damn divorce would cost a whole lot more,

I got back home and saw a real estate sign standing there,

a man with tools was playing with the door.

She'd put it on the market? Well, if that just don't beat all,

well, when I make that shelf she'll change her view,

Hell, I might make a special little hat rack for the hall,

or maybe even build a barbecue!

The man said: "All the locks are changed, your missus has some pull,

this is a special record, by the way:

a house for sale, a contract signed and cash paid out in full,

the whole shebang - all done - in just one day."

"Say what?" I said, "she got the cash? The papers have been signed?"

"She told us you were really very nice,

you gave the house to her so she would not be in a bind,

she sold it for a very special price."

"It's sold!" I cried, "But I was heading home to put things right,

to show her I'm quite handy when I try,"

"Too late for that, she flew out on the Acapulco flight,

apparently she found a special guy!"

 More of my FUNNY POEMS