"Hello my dear, now don't be scared, I'm here to change your life,

you'll love this special thing I have to show,

now lady, what's the matter? Please put down that carving knife,

you haven't seen it - how can you say no?

"It's made to please a woman and it really does the job,

you'll feel a different person when we're done,

I love the way you have a choice to make it pulse or throb,

oh madam, please stop dialing nine-one-one!

"You'll love its bulbous head, and it has ribs for better feel,

at forty strokes a minute, it's intense,

my Gran calls it: "The Thruster," it's my Mum's: "Electric Eel,"

no, lady, I do NOT know self defense!

"If you would let me take it out I'm sure you'll be impressed,

my sister says it's nice, so does my niece,

why can't we go inside and have a fifteen-minute test -

what's that I hear: a siren? The Police?

"I'm just a traveling salesman, officer, I'm nothing more,

I see no cause for handcuffs or a cell,

I fill a certain women's need, and sell it door to door,

the ladies love it when I ring their bell.

"I pull it out and gently show them how to turn it on,

then how to get the head all nice and wet,

it's over very quickly and I'm on my way and gone,

I've never had a customer regret!

"So come on chief, you married? Do your wife a favor then,

put down that baton, and that pepper spray,

she'll never have to live with dirty porcelain again,

buy my electric toilet brush today!"

More of my FUNNY POEMS