I went out fishing late last night, the wind began to roar,

the waves were high, and I’m a scaredy-cat,

so turned the key to start the donk and make a run for shore,

it gave a clunk – the battery was flat!

The anchor started dragging, and I headed out to sea,

I slopped around with water underfoot,

my GPS was blank, my whereabouts a mystery,

its inbuilt battery had gone kaput!

My epirb buoy was self-contained, with built-in power pack,

I pressed the transmit button, then I cried,

it needed yearly servicing, but I’d been rather slack,

and now it seemed the batteries had died!

Because of safety laws I had a two-way on the boat,

the Coast Guard soon would have me home in bed,

but as I turned it on I felt a lump come in my throat,

as three red lights declared the battery dead!

I jumped on to my cell phone, this was getting quite absurd,

I’d ask the wharf to send the towing barge,

but nothing rang, the screen was blank except a big red word,

the one thing that I didn’t need: Recharge!

It’s lucky that I didn’t turn out breakfast for a shark,

while drifting straight across the trawling ground,

I had no power for the lights and sat there in the dark,

the trawler hit me with a crunching sound.

They took me back to shore, to all the waiting TV crews,

who told me what a lucky break I’d had,

one guy used words like “terminal” and “slowly dying fuse”

and didn’t notice I was getting mad.

He called me “not the brightest spark” I hit him and he fell,

they took me to the wharf security,

I’m writing this from prison, from a solar-powered cell,

the charge, of course: Assault and battery!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here