Big Derek joined the army, so his Cecil joined up too,

he couldn't let his boyfriend fight alone,

a million miles away- Afghanistan, Iraq, Peru -

or some ungodly place without a phone!

A bus took them to boot camp, and the barber got them first,

the floor was dirty - Cecil was appalled,

"You ought to be ashamed," he said, "your hygiene is the worst!"

he ran back out to Derek, almost bald!

They lined up for their uniforms, behind the other guys,

and Cecil didn't like the style, of course,

when their turn came the man behind the counter asked their size,

he said: "I'm small, but Derek's like a horse!"

At weapons distribution Cecil eyed them gingerly,

"I bet they make an awful lot of noise,

and I won't need a rifle, I can't shoot an enemy -

'cause what if they are really lovely boys?"

They marched to the parade ground and they stood there straight and tall,

the Sergeant yelled: "I'll teach you men to fight!

You'll learn to march and shoot and kill, I'll educate you all,

a big loud voice now, number from the right!"

"One" squeaked Cecil, "Two" yelled Derek, "Wait!" the sergeant cried,

"No schoolboy games - you're in the army now!

So number from the right and let me hear it from inside,

I don't want any pussy cat miaow!"

"One" peeped Cecil, "Two" yelled Derek, "'SHUN!" the Sergeant's shout,

"I said I want no games, this ain't no joke!

I want to hear those numbers and I don't want any doubt,

convince me that I'm dealing with a bloke!"

"One" squeaked Cecil, "Right!" the Sergeant cried, "You've gone too far!

That's just the kind of thing to make me pissed!

Whoever number one is, stay exactly where you are,

the rest of the platoon - you're all dismissed!"

So Cecil stood there, on his own, the Sergeant gave a scowl,

he'd teach this new recruit a thing or two,

he jammed his face in Cecil's face and "Are you One?" he growled,

"Of course I'm one, sweet Sarge - are you one too?"

more of my FUNNY POEMS here