Please don’t laugh, it’s not that funny, I’ve a happy life,

One must learn to stop and smell the roses,

I admit that I can smell them from a mile away,

I can’t help it – I possess two noses!

Two big hooters – side by side – sit just above my mouth,

This is what the people laugh about,

No-one looks me in the eye, they look a bit below,

Thinking silly names like “double-snout.”

When the Doc delivered me he stared down at my Mum,

She braced herself, she knew that it meant trouble;

He handed her the baby, shook his head and walked away,

She looked at me and instantly saw double.

My poor face is split in two, a nose beneath each eye,

I live my public life a freak show hell;

But then, there is a good side, just in case you haven’t guessed:

I have a super-duper sense of smell!

I can take a great big sniff and smell for seven miles,

Every drop of perfume, every drain;

I can pick a rotten apple from a dozen yards,

(Luckily I’ve never done cocaine!)

I have to watch my health because I never want a cold,

Or flu, or any malady that issues

A runny nose cos I have two and it would be a flood!

(Truth to tell I can’t afford the tissues!)

I can tell what’s on for tea in every house I pass,

I always know when orchids are in bloom;

I’d hate to get an allergy, I guess you know the score:

Cos every time I sneeze I clear the room!

I own my own olfactory, I’m held in high regard,

By customs men and certain crooks and thugs,

I’m better than a sniffer dog, and I can always tell

If somebody has tampered with the drugs.

So stop before you laugh at me, before you call me names,

Because I’m ugly everyone supposes

That I’m silly, dumb and useless, man, it really stinks!

Twice as bad for me – I’ve got two noses!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here