Kroxz looked at the monitor. There was no sign of Bzarrt. He’d been gone for two hours, and Kroxz was getting worried. Bzarrt knew better than to wander far away from their hidden base on the dark side of the moon. Another twenty minutes and he’d have to send a search droid. Suddenly, a blip appeared on the monitor. Ahhh there he was! With Bzarrt now in radar range, he turned back to the Earth monitors.

Kroxz was worried. This was a cushy job, observing the Earthlings, but, the way they were killing each other, they weren’t going to last much longer. Kroxz’s planet wanted to colonize Earth, but, the way they were polluting the atmosphere down there, it would be only good as a dump planet.

He re-read his report to the Grand Shebang of his planet, it read:

The Planet Earth

Earth is divided into two countries, apparently. I have called one Fanatica, and the other Pushovia. Both counties are spread out in various territories across the planet, with the war raging and pockets of resistance on both sides here and there.

1)     Fanatica.   This country has many beliefs and religions, but all seem to be based on intolerance and hate for others. The citizens live in two states of war: one against Pushovia, and a civil war against each other that has lasted for centuries.

They seem very backward in their technology, but they have secretly trained their population to live in squalor and poverty, as they will have to if they can ever use their main battle plan to defeat Pushovia, which entails the destruction of every modern luxury.

They have a huge spy network operating in Pushovia, but the agents are very stressed, so much so that each day, several of them actually explode, usually taking a lot of Pushovians with them. I respectfully surmise that a couple of strategically placed nuclear weapons will totally remove the Fanatican threat.

2)     Pushovia.   This is also a country spread across the planet. Paradoxically, they have the technology to totally obliterate the Fanatican enemy, but refuse to use it, relying instead on archaic warring methods, like hand-to-hand combat, and embracing a rather naïve “they must strike first” doctrine.

Although, like Fanatica, this country consists of many different religions, they seemed to have evolved into a tolerance that belies their ignorance.

You will be pleased to know, Grand Shebang, that they also have a Grand Shebang, and, like your worthy and august self, he holds the future of the entire country of Pushovia in his hands, yet that is where the similarity ends.

Unlike your revered self, this leader cowtows to a whining minority, who refuse to use the technology that his subjects have provided years of toil to develop. I feel that the Pushovians will eventually lose the war with Fanatica, unless they suddenly start to use the advantages that their obvious higher intellect and lifestyle has given them.

To summarize, my dear leader, I feel you can attack planet Earth whenever you feel like, and get only token resistance from the Pushovians, who will be too busy arguing among themselves on whether we a a real threat or just an oppressed minority, and you may run right over the Fanaticans, who are idealists and total savages.

I respectfully ask that you defer the invasion for a short time, your eminence, as I’m dying to see how this turns out. Since “Days of our Sqlybbs” ended, there hasn’t been a good soap opera on the screen.

Your loyal subject

Kroxz.