I saw a mouse run out across my nice clean kitchen floor,

we get a mouse plague every year, it sucks;

I went to buy a mousetrap at my local hardware store,

the only type he sold was forty bucks!

I told the guy to shove it and I went and had a drink,

no way would I pay out that kind of dough,

the bar was nice and quite and the perfect place to think,

a concept in my head began to grow.

With seven beers inside me I’d devised a cunning plan,

my brain was in that “not a problem” zone,

who needed high-priced hardware? I’m a full-grown self-made man,

I’d go home to my shed and build my own!

I’d bought a brand-new microwave for Christmas just last year,

the old one had been going quite berserk,

it sat there on the old shed fridge where I kept all my beer,

I opened one and then got down to work.

I drilled a one-inch hole down near the bottom of the glass,

then hinged the circle piece to make a flap,

the mouse would scramble through the hole and trap his scrawny ass,

the flap would pull a wire and mega-zap!

I rigged the wiring up by taking off the timer plate,

I had a beer or two to toast the mood,

another beer went down while I was searching for some bait,

I found a bag of Supagro Plant Food.

I set it up inside the house and took a beer outside,

another four went down as sweet as pie,

I heard the oven ding like mad and knew that mouse had died,

and went back in the house to wave goodbye.

The microwave was split to bits, in pieces on the floor,

the mess had shattered right across the wall,

and sitting there upon the pile was what looked like a boar –

a bloody mouse – and all of three feet tall!

I almost dropped my beer, I was amazed and rather scared,

this mouse was four feet long and glowing green,

his eyes were red and lethal and he turned to me and stared,

the meanest looking rat I’ve ever seen!

You may have seen me on the news that day my house burned down,

nobody would believe my gruesome tale,

I had to kill that mouse or he would terrorize the town,

they wouldn’t even let me out on bail.

Convicted of insurance fraud for burning down the house,

I’m here in jail for seven lonely years,

the screws laugh at the new boy with the giant nuclear mouse,

and every night I fall asleep in tears.

When I get out I’ll join an Amish group, I’ve had enough,

that mutant mouse may just have been a fluke,

but scientific gadgets can be very funny stuff,

so heed my words – be careful what you nuke!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here