An elf said to Santa: "Oh Dear,

we've not enough presents this year"

that made St. Nick think:

Now he'd given up drink

he could give all the children some beer!

A blizzard blew in Christmas eve,

and just as St. Nick went to leave,

"That's great," Santa said,

"I'm off back to bed,

it's lucky I'm just make-believe!"

For Christmas, it's Barbies and Kens,

and bicycles, game boys, light pens,

but Dad wrote a letter

told Santa he'd better

deliver a Mercedes-Benz!

One chimney was locked with a chain

and Santa was wracking his brain

"The crime rate down here

gets worse every year

I don't think I'll bother again!"

Old Santa got drunk on warm ale

"I'm too old for Christmas" his wail

"But what of the toys

for the good girls and boys?"

"I'll send all the presents by mail!"

With Santa away on his run

the elves made a plan to have fun

they took mistletoe

hung it out in the snow

then blew it away with a gun!

When Rudolph got hurt in a fight

he couldn't lead Santa that night

too much Christmas cheer

and eggnog, and beer,

his red nose was shiny, all right!

Old Santa said “Donner, let’s go”

But Dasher and Dancer said “No!

That Blitzen is stupid

He’s fallen for Cupid

And won’t let her out in the snow!”

Way up in the Arctic one day

The elves had a big holiday

No toys would be made

Unless benefits paid,

And dental and severance pay!

The sleigh had broke down in the wet

And Santa was starting to fret

Then Rudolph said “Man,

I’ve a neat, cunning plan,

Involving a hot jumbo jet!”

Prancer was over the moon

The toy run would be over soon

That Vixen, the sinner,

Ate baked beans for dinner

And the others were starting to swoon.

Santa said “Look, in the snow

A traveling bordello show

Nice little lookers

I counted three hookers

Which leads me to say: Ho Ho Ho!”