The bride gave the answer: "I do!

he's lovable, handsome and true!"

Six girls in the pews

all yelled out "I do's"

and the flower girl cried: "I do too!"

The bride looked astounding in white

the best man was sad and contrite,

"Please don't think the worst

but I had her first,

she slept in my bedroom last night!"

A terrible grimace of doom

was there on the face of the groom

"I'm feeling quite miffed -

for my wedding gift

she gave me a mop and a broom!"

The preacher said: "Gentlemen, please -

there's no need to get on your knees,"

"We're begging the groom

not to tangle with doom -

we all know she has a disease!"

The bridegroom was hanging his head,

he looked like he wished he was dead,

the bride said: "Oh Mum,

I've married a bum,

he's drunk seven bottles of red!"

The church was abuzz with the news,

the wedding was off - no "I do's"

the groom had been found

out back playing around

with the lady who cleans all the loos!

His trousers were covered in dust,

the wedding ring pitted with rust,

"Do you, Beth, take Darryl

with lock, stock and barrel?"

the bride answered slow: "If I must!"

The bride was in lemon and cream,

she walked down the aisle in a dream,

with thirty contracts,

from forwards and backs

she married the whole football team!

The speeches were tawdry and stilted,

the flowers all wispy and wilted,

the day had been wrecked,

it's what you'd expect,

the tear-stained young bride had been jilted!

Old Great-Auntie Agatha sniffed:

"I'll bet she divorces him swift!

His manners are false,

he's too drunk to waltz,

and he threw up all over my gift!"

She wore something borrowed and blue,

her shoes were all shiny and new,

he said to her, cold:

"You forgot about 'old'"

She laughed and said: "Silly, that's you!"

He fetched in his horse, Buttercup,

the bride said, as he saddled up:

"But what about me?

I'm sexy, you see?"

He looked at her - yelled: "Giddyap!"

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