A pirate walked into a bar,

he ordered neat rum in a jar,

then swallowed it down,

and said with a frown:

"I'm trying to find the pissoir!"

The brigantine sat there, a plum,

but pirates are known to be dumb,

they missed all the gold

and stowed in their hold

a thousand large bottles of rum!

The mate said: "That ship's rather dull -

those cannons are spoiling her hull,

take a look at that flag,

it's merely a rag

with pictures of bones and a skull!"

The pirate had captured a wench,

quite youthful and pretty, and French,

he showed her his bed,

she shook her sweet head,

so he polished her off on the bench!

Long John heard the gripes of the men,

breathed deeply then counted to ten,

"We'll share out the rest

of our huge treasure chest"

the cabin-boy shouted out: "When?"

Their cannons lit up with a blast,

our schooner was going down fast,

we started to cry

and we all said goodbye,

 then raced to the top of the mast!

The men downed their tools for a rest,

'twas then that the captain confessed:

"I see it, I fear

why we found nothing here -

we should have gone ten paces WEST!"

The pirate ran up to the Lord,

and gave him the length of his sword,

the fighting was great

till Scruffy the mate

sat down on the decking "I'm bored!"

When Blackbeard was learning to cook

he read from a recipe book:

"When making your bread

use a spatula head,

or better still, knead with your hook!"

The pirate looked down at the keg,

"I'll lower my standards and beg,

I'd like a wee drop,

so why don't we swap

some rum for my old wooden leg?"

 MAIN LIMERICKS INDEX