A nurse said "I wish I was dead, man

I'm going quite out of my head, man,

I knocked back a date

With the head doctor's mate

Now I'm permanent here, cleaning bedpans!

A patient who kept getting worse

cried out "I must go home now, nurse!

You've done all your best

and performed every test

but I've come to the end of my purse!"

A pretty young intern was bored

A student Doc got his reward

He sees her now daily

As he does his rounds gaily

She's there in Maternity Ward!

A doctor whose penis turned green

Asked a medico what did it mean

He said "It's a curse

From bonking that nurse

Too close to the X-ray machine!"

In emergency room was this clown

Could not take a seat or sit down

If you looked round the back

you'd find his arse crack

Was jammed with a (insert a noun)

Taking a walk in the rain

A doctor was asked "Please explain"

He said "Surgery

Is so stressful for me

I'm here just to cool down my brain!"

A man died, his wife was in shock

He'd been fit, like a quarterback jock

A small bout of flu

Only kills but a few

He should never have seen Doctor Spock!

A nurse said "That Doctor is cute

And he has a good job to boot

We went out last night

Were feeling just right

So he morphined us both-what a hoot!"

An orderly fell for a Doc

which gave his poor Mother a shock

Took the doc home for dinner

"Mum I'm on a winner,

May I introduce you to Jock?"

I once had a date with a virgin

Some wines and then I started urgin'

I got her to bed

"Don't hurt me" she said

I went in just like a great surgeon!

A patient was looking quite down

"What's up?" asked the nurse with a frown

"That orderly's bi

And he gives me the eye

And I don't have a back to my gown!"

The patient let out with a yell

"This hospital's cheap...bloody hell!

The nurses are plain

The Doc has no brain,

And his scalpels are all blunt as well!"

I was a young reckless fool

every nurse would entice me to drool

my constant erection

and sex-crazed connection

expelled me from medical school!

The doctor said "There is no pill

I'm afraid that your sickness will kill

You tomorrow, no doubt,

Oh, and on your way out

Woud you stop at the desk, pay your bill?"

They circumcised old Major Gough

The doctor held it and said "Cough!

Let's see how it heals"

The Major said "Feels

Like you've cut the entire thing off!"

The children's ward annual party

was such a success, gay and hearty

and little Bill Wiley

screwed lovely nurse Smiley

then bragged to his mates, what a smarty!

I won't go to see Dr Flower

The last time I fell in his power

He just didn't talk

Grabbed me by the stalk

And inspected it for a whole hour!

My best friend was there in the bed

A bandage was wound round his head

My thanks I did give

When they told me "He'll live

Take your dog home" "You Bewdy, Here, Jed!"

Rumours abound at St Nick's

The doctors are all country hicks

Male children are born

and then drenched, tailed and shorn

Then they tie rubber bands round their pricks!

An anesthetist from San Francisco

met up with a guy from Nabisco

he gave him a pitch

and they got stinking rich

their cookies a hit at the disco!

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