I planted a nice lemon tree

but no fruit was happening, see

these days I’m much wiser

I use fertilizer

coz that’s where I go for a pee!

Fine orchids are lovely and chic

the colors are rare and unique

with prices so high

I’m wondering why

the flowers last less than a week!

I planted some tulips last Fall

the wife doesn’t like them at all

they force her to sneeze

and attract bumblebees

it’s driving her right up the wall!

I grew me some carrots and beet

and cabbages too, they were neat

the bugs were okay

I kept birds away

but was robbed by the kids down the street!

My blood plums were early this year

which brought the whole neighborhood here

with polite servitude

I got them all stewed

not the plums – the neighbors – on beer!

My garden will really stand out

I’ve put in a huge waterspout

it’ll turn heads I bet

but hasn’t done yet

we’re still in the middle of drought!

I trimmed up my hedge, as you do

into animal shapes, like a zoo

they all looked so real

a neighbor, with zeal

tried to ride on the green kangaroo!

I ordered some dahlias from France

the bandicoots all had a dance

“When he goes to bed

we’ll all be well fed

we love eating imported plants!”

My fig tree was laden with figs

I gave some to old Mrs. Griggs

she said: “What a waste –

I’ve no sense of taste

it’s like feeding strawberries to pigs!”

My sewer was blocked by a root

I bypassed the thing with a chute

now sure, my trees smell

but God, they grow well –

though I’m too scared to eat any fruit!

I planted a seed, I was bored

and grew a miraculous gourd

it was shaped like a whale

with fins, head and tail

and I won a Greenpeace award!

I ordered some new bulbs by mail

and tried to grow orchids large scale

exotics won’t grow

under three feet of snow

or battered with blizzards and hail!

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