A guy eating cheese wrapped in mold

Was told that his meal was too old

He said: “To explain

You see, it’s blue vein

Or that’s what I’m bloody well told!”

A fireman’s wife’s hair was red

His job had gone quite to his head

His wife let out OHHHs

As he pulled out his hose

And peed on her, then on the bed!

The river was raging, but shallow

"Get in there!" the Major did bellow

But Sergeant McCorr

Sat down on the shore

He was chicken, and piss-weak and yellow!

I sat on a bench, drinking juice:

Some berry, the color was puce

Twas healthy as well

But expensive as hell...

I threw it away, what's the use?

My mum said to me: "Where you been?

You left home one night at fifteen

Now you want lovin?

You're tea's in the oven

It's twenty years old, and it's green!"

We went for a night on the town

And drank things unmentionably brown

I said: "Michael, dude,

I don't want to be rude

But excuse me while I'm falling down!"

A silver-tailed bastard from Sak’s

got drunk and spewed up on my slacks

I said: “You’re a dick

you deserve to get sick”

Then I fed him a dozen Big Macs!

A biker was dressed all in pink

went into a tavern to drink

the straights called him queer

the gays bought him beer

turned out fifty-fifty, I think!

An orange was crying: "You queen!

Your real sex? Well I should have seen...

I thought you were beaut

But you are a fruit!

You transvestite perv nectarine!"

I went on a date with a lime

I ravished her time after time

Now I'm in jail

I plead...no avail

They tell me that grape is a crime!

I met a young girl at a rage

Long hair of auburn and beige

Our first night alone?

My boy, Hold the Phone!

It is X-rated, please turn the page!

I jumped up and yelled out “All Right!

Let’s party, let’s get down tonight!”

But what really floored me

Was when they ignored me

I asked why, they said “Cos you’re white!”

   LIMERICKS MAIN PAGE