A very precocious curlew

flew down to my barbecue

protesting to me

that chickens go free

I added him to the menu.

An ostrich was timed in a run

he went like a shot from a gun

he has a contract

and a driver's been sacked

next year he's in Formula One!

A woodpecker tapped on my door

complaining his beak was so sore

"Those light poles aren't real

they're made out of steel

don't you guys cut down trees any more?"

A mocking bird went to the Doc

he'd given his head quite a knock

the prognosis: poor

he'd cry out no more

he'd lost all his talent to mock!

He vitamized birds into mush

and swallowed them down with a rush

he showed us his throat

and said with a gloat:

"You see that white rash there? That's thrush!"

A magpie was out late at night

he'd had a few drinks and was tight

he said: "It's a riddle

I'm stuck in the middle

I'm white with black and black with white!"

I peered in a cage at the zoo

and asked the large bird: "What are you?"

He said: "You're a fool!"

then dived in the pool

blew a raspberry and yelled: "A smew!"

A pigeon pair filed for divorce,

she said he was faithless, of course,

he argued his case

till red in the face

and swore that she snored like a horse!

A jackdaw a rook and a loon

met in the casino at noon

the feathers then flew

and the dealer did too

he cheated them all at pontoon!

A swan headed southward with glee

but soon stopped to land in the sea

He cried in frustration:

"I hate this migration

I never keep up with the vee!"

A pullet complained to its mum:

"The life of a hen's really glum

with spindly legs

and hundreds of eggs

you have to extrude from your bum!"

A buzzard sat down in a diner

said: "Please do not label me 'whiner'

that roadkill's okay

but not every day

plus a burger with coffee is finer!"

A nightingale said to its mate

"It's really a sad twist of fate

I wrote a new tune

that sounds great around noon

but we never start singing till late!"

A mallard complained: "Pond life sucks!

too noisy - all croaking and clucks

and out on the side

are coyotes that hide

and hunters who like to shoot ducks!"

The church hall was crowded that day

the sermon was "Lay and let lay"

a Rhode Island red

passed the plate and then said:

"We must now thank the Lord, let osprey!"

The beaters were coming amass,

the quail ran off through the grass,

when one heard their cries

he yelled, closed his eyes,

and ran straight up another one's ass!

The bald eagle board passed a motion

to holiday down by the ocean

addendums then said

upon each bald head:

compulsory sunscreening lotion!

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