The evening was freezing in France,

the trenches no place for romance,

But young Private Myer

in between cannon fire

taught a Normandy daughter to dance!

When Johnny was going to war,

his Mother said: “This is a bore,

your sisters and Mummy

just love our gin rummy,

and now there’ll be three and not four!”

The fighter jets swooped with guns blazing

the cows in the paddock were grazing

one said: “All my cud

is covered with blood.”

Another one answered: “Amazing!”

The Sergeant addressed the platoon:

“We’ll do a forced march ‘neath the moon”

The men wouldn’t hike

they all went on strike

they hadn’t been paid since last June!

He tripped as he threw his grenade

all over the place he was sprayed

his mate said: “That’s sad

I’ll miss little Brad

I hope his insurance was paid!”

We quickly established a breech

and the enemy ran from the beach

they should have held on

our ammo was gone

we only had one bullet each!

The army had discipline, poise,

the guns were remarkable toys,

but Barry was gay

he joined up today

because they have thousands of boys!

They wanted a brave volunteer

he put up his hand without fear

the bullets may fly

but he was the guy

who’d go out and fetch back some beer!

The General ordered retreat

it looked like a certain defeat

he’d noticed the Hun

had a dirty great gun

and his face was as white as a sheet!

With medals all over his chest

they said that the Sarge was the best

he’d held up a bank

went out, bought a tank

then crushed a machine-gunner’s nest!

The cannon fire lit up the night

artillery showing its might

one soldier, quite young

just poked out his tongue:

“I dare you to come here and fight!:

A sniper was down near the creek

he said: “I’m afraid things are bleak

the enemy’s here

the targets are near

but I ran out of ammo last week!

The private was skinny and lank

he said: “I’ve the army to thank

a fabulous diet

you really should try it

six months in Iraq in a tank!”

The sentry was not what we’d planned

I had to attack him by hand

behind him I crept

then I could have wept

my bayonet fell off in the sand!

The Captain jumped on to the mike

and called in an air cover strike

no planes came to aid

so he did the raid

with a guy with a gun on a bike!

The prisoners started to cry

the Captain asked one of them why

he answered: “The food

is tasteless and crude

we all want some hot apple pie!”

The soldier went down in the mud

the medic was looking for blood

he said: “You’re in luck

the bullet that struck

was made in Taiwan – it’s a dud!

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