I bought a plasma TV set - as high as it was wide,

to keep up with the Joneses, I suppose,

a disappointment really, coz no matter how I tried

it tuned in to the same old crappy shows!

My four-wheel drive pursuit car is an engineering feat,

it broke the record: Brooklyn to Tibet,

but sits there on my driveway, not allowed out on the street,

I can't afford insurance for it yet!

My ride-on mower's turbo-charged Ferrari-born and bred,

it's nice to sit on top of so much brawn,

I wear a racing helmet and the mower's even red -

I wish I hadn't concreted the lawn...

This pure titanium laptop set me back a lot of dough,

but excess weight is levied on your fare,

a shame I never fly at all - nowhere for me to go,

but still, I'm getting great at Solitaire!

My mobile ring tone plays the latest cyber-special song,

some funny hip-hop frog who croaks and sings,

I got it on a contract that is four or five years long,

the trouble is - it never bloody rings!

The kitchen's full of gadgets - like some science lab from Hell,

I buy a great new doodad every day,

if ever I should cook a meal, I know I'll do it well,

for now, I only dine on take-away!

A salesman sold me real estate, so I could have a "break"

some place where all the city troubles dim,

I visited my block - smack in the middle of a lake!

That's fine - if I had ever learned to swim!

Today I'm feeling ill, I may have caught the latest bug,

I took some pills the doctor said were "chic"

I'll lie here on my futon on my new designer rug,

and think of stuff that I can buy next week!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here