When Jock got home, his Mother went ballistic:

“You took one magic bean for Bess the cow?

Tough titties if I’m being pessimistic,

but what the hell will we be eating now?”

“Dear Mother, there’s no need for histrionics,

the proof is in the pudding, as you’ll see,

I’ve found a little trick called hydroponics,

this bean will bring us untold luxury!”

He set to work with plastic pipes and draining,

then used his bagpipes for the water pump,

his Mother watched and kept up her complaining,

he put the magic seed into the sump.

The plant shot up just like a little geyser,

he grinned and added powder with a spoon,

“A magic blend,” said Jock “of fertilizer,

this shoot will be a tree - tomorrow noon!”

Well, sure enough, by twelve next day it towered,

Jock’s Mother watched it grow throughout the night,

at two she ran to tell him it had flowered,

he grabbed his secateurs and said: “All right!”

Jock pruned the plant quite hard – his Mum was pallid:

“A bucketful of flower heads and leaf?

You’re telling me a hydroponic salad

can make up for a lovely rump of beef!”

Jock rolled a piece of  head into a pellet,

“This stuff is just like money in the bank,

I’ll head off into Glasgow now and sell it –

fresh A-Grade purple golden hydro skank!”

He came back in a cart with loads of money,

his Mother laughed aloud and jumped for joy,

“I’m sorry that I had to doubt you, sonny,

you really are an enterprising boy!”

He said: “I knew your fears would all be baseless,”

his Mother giggled loud, he looked around,

the proof was there - his Mum was bloody faceless,

a dozen roaches lay there on the ground!

“I’ve saved the seeds,” said Jock “for propagation,"

"That's great," his Mum replied, "I'm very glad,

for now, just save me dying from starvation,

I've got the dreaded munchies really bad!"

more of my FUNNY POEMS here