SCORCHIO: Try and cool off today, you’ve been taking a lot of heat lately. Join a ballet society. Beware of asbestos underpants. Do not start kissing rattlesnakes today.

STRADIVARIUS: Stop fiddling about and face the music. Try acting your age. Join the navy. Beware of Bay City Roller lyrics. Don’t play “twister” on the subway tracks.

LIBRARY: True love is overdue. Try and see the difference between War and Peace. Join your hands in prayer. Beware of ladies in cut glass dresses. Don’t substitute Stephen King novels for tobacco.

JIMINY: Forgive someone today, bearing a grudge is not cricket. Try to be more alien-like. Join a poetry club. Beware of three-toed sloths. Never smile at a zoo-keeper.

VOLVO: Better play it safe today. Try and act like a crash-test dummy. Eat a yak steak. Join the mormons. Beware of straw hats. Don’t use today as an excuse to become a Jedi knght.

LIELOW: Don’t feel so hemmed in, they are only walls. Become a goth. Join two rabbits together. Beware of porcupines with arrest warrants. Do not start your own psychiatric practice.

HAIRIES: Not a day to part with anything. Be careful of a brush with danger. Join a cult. Beware of any mice with sad faces. Today will not be good to paint your dog green.

AQUARIUM: Stop floating through life with your mouth open. Try to smell through your toes. Join the dots. Beware of picket fences. Don’t plant anything ending in “a”

CHANCER: Don’t gamble at all today, the moon is in its Azimonthly. There is danger at midnoon. Join a circus. Beware of computer magazines. Never mail yourself to Arizona.

PIECHEEZE: Life will be fulfilling today. Put on a red scarf. Join greenpeace. Beware of moccasins. Do not eat marking pens or lettuce today.

COBOFCORN: It will pay to butter somebody up today. Lend an ear, but get a receipt. Join the democrats. Beware of three-inch nails. Stop drinking from light globes.

TOURIST: Stop and look around, it’s not all that bad. You will be moving on soon. Join in an orgy. Beware of eggshell carpets. Try and end your relationship with Ronald MacDonald.