I still recall the tiger snake I kept beneath my bed,

I had a feral streak when I was young,

and then the tears the day I found it lying stiff and dead,

my Father told me it had bit its tongue!

I formed a spider circus, taught them tricks and stuff so cool,

made plans to tour around the kids in town,

my Mum said nothing, then when I had headed off to school

a Mortein blizzard blew my big top down.

I traded comics for a rat, his name was Mighty Max,

he ate old meat, and cakes, and everything,

but Dad played doctor - opened up his gizzard with an axe,

and inside was my sister's signet ring!

An ant farm kept me company, but I had need of more,

my mate gave me a porcupine called Drew,

and out there in the backyard I would stage a daily war -

until the next-door neighbor called the zoo!

I got a job and bought a greyhound, thinking of the fun,

my friend said they were quite a cinch to train,

I took it out into the street and told it: "Okay, Run!"

and never saw that goddam dog again!

My racehorse turned out bad, I had to turn him into glue,

in seven starts his best result was last,

despite a pristine pedigree that proved his blood was blue,

the bloody thing just couldn't gallop fast!

These days I have a business, see a lot of foreign lands,

my life's about as good as it can get,

I run a record company, look after lots of bands,

with animals like them - who needs a pet?

more of my FUNNY POEMS here