I went to
pick my car up from the workshop yesterday,
the man was
on the telephone, I overheard him say:
that two-week cruise as I’m about to get some dough,”
and then he
saw me standing there and said: “I have to go!”
He handed me
my keys and said: “Your car’s as good as new,
that you came in now, before that motor blew,
were all blistered and the valve stems shot to hell,
was old with holes, and ugly plugs as well!
“The oil had
boiled because it was a lump up in the pump,
had worn the kingpins down and dumped them in the sump,
crankshaft and the petrol tank too rusted to repair,
and damn it
if the camshaft wasn’t jammed by bearing wear!
carby’s far beyond recall, the jets too wet and thin,
the diff was
iffy, so I fitted pin replacements in,
joints were pointy and your front end bent and old,
that I stock your make of intake manifold!
take the risk, your disc pads had to be replaced,
bolts were faulty and the fluid thick as paste,
gear nearly broke, then first, and then I lost reverse,
I put a
whole new gearbox in, as second gear was worse!
steering wheel appeared to be in need of special care,
belts felt all shot, I got a neat new front-seat pair,
was much the same and all the headlights seemed quite crook,
I think the
blinkers might be too, but didn’t dare to look!
rack lacked tension and its screws were all bad news,
alternator tester says that yours had blown a fuse,
lock was shocking and the doors were poorly done,
the hinges, handles too, they’re just like new, old son.
the radiator out, and filled the anti-freeze,
the air-con ports to twenty-three degrees,
I nuked the
duco with some special crack-resistant wax,
you owe me
seven thousand bucks, including federal tax!”
I’d booked it in to fit a speakerphone,
this excessive, but I didn’t like to moan,
I wrote a
check and drove home feeling like a stupid jerk,
the car was
running smoothly but the cellphone didn’t work!
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