While browsing through a drug store magazine the other day

I saw an ad for actors with the skill to conjugate,

the word was new to me, but what a super rate of pay -

I wrote the number on my arm and figured this was fate.

I’d done a bit of acting, I was Romeo at school,

admittedly, I didn’t get the kindest of revues,

I didn’t really mean to stab that poor kid in the duel,

and carried on, regardless of the pool of blood, and boos.

At home I rang the number, it was answered by a bloke,

I told him I had talent, he replied I sounded good,

he said to come tomorrow, and be sure to bring some coke,

I went to bed a happy man, and dreamed of Hollywood.

I bought some Coca Cola at the local corner store

then drove to the address I had, a street down by the docks,

a warehouse with a tattered sign: “Blue Chip” above the door,

I combed my hair and cleared my throat, then gave it three hard knocks.

Nobody seemed to hear, I pushed the door and went inside,

a blonde sat at a typewriter, she looked so young and cute,

I stood there like a statue, and my eyes were staring wide –

the blonde was rather pretty, and was in her birthday suit!

She told me not to worry, this was normal uniform,

whenever they were shooting, all the staff went nude all day,

she stood and walked around the desk, and things got rather warm,

but when she bent to get a file I fainted clean away!

I woke up feeling groggy, someone asked if I was right,

I kept my eyes shut tight until the dizziness had gone,

I couldn’t see much anyway, so brilliant was the light,

the only thing I knew was I had next to nothing on!

I lay upon a bearskin rug, a loincloth round my waist,

a camera crew was watching, every one of them was nude,

I looked at all the nakedness, and felt my heartbeat race,

I had to keep my cool, or they may label me a prude.

A guy then yelled out “Action!” and I heard a camera whirr,

two pretty girls came in, and neither one had on a stitch,

one started playing with my knee, and gave a lusty purr,

the other asked me if I’d be a doll and scratch her itch!

My hands were shaking as I put my arm around her waist,

I tried to get into the scene, I couldn’t simply watch,

she pushed my head into her lap and said: “Here – have a taste!”

the other finished with my knee and headed for my crotch!

I jumped up to my feet so fast the loin cloth hit the floor,

the camera man applauded, and the two girls aahed and oohed,

I didn’t wait to hear it, but went racing for the door,

I drove too fast, the blue lights flashed, they caught me in the nude.

Tomorrow I get out of jail, it’s been a stressful year,

the other long-term criminals have made my life forlorn,

I don’t know how it started, but they all thought my career

was superhero stud – a full-blown megastar of porn!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here