The Preacher asked me would I take this woman,

my future flashed before me – full of doubt,

I really should have seen her left hook coming,

but there I was – a bridegroom, down and out.

The congregation thought it all amusing:

all part of wedding ceremony fun,

they didn’t see my kidneys slowly bruising,

or Uncle Cletus with the sawn-off gun.

The wedding breakfast seemed to last forever,

we said the speeches, danced the bridal waltz,

she wore a Princess smile, the girl was clever,

and only I knew everything was false.

Our wedding night I spent in wet pajamas,

she tipped a jug of water on my head,

I’d booked a fortnight’s stay in the Bahamas -

we went to good old Arkansas instead.

Her Mother’s house was full of memorabilia,

and twenty-six big brothers: Abe to Zeke,

her Pa was doing time for pedophilia,

she locked me in a closet for a week.

The sunlight hit me hard, my eyes were stinging,

she punched my head and told me to be still,

her brothers formed a ring and started singing,

I said a silent prayer to Doctor Phil.

A family rite they called “initiation”

the boys lined up and each one took a ride,

their brand-new brother, in-law-fornication,

the only one who didn’t was the bride!

I woke up in a muddy ditch next morning,

their ceremony left me with a limp,

to all you would-be grooms – this is a warning:

don’t wed a redneck feral female pimp!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here