asked me would I take this woman,
flashed before me – full of doubt,
should have seen her left hook coming,
but there I
was – a bridegroom, down and out.
congregation thought it all amusing:
all part of
wedding ceremony fun,
see my kidneys slowly bruising,
Cletus with the sawn-off gun.
breakfast seemed to last forever,
we said the
speeches, danced the bridal waltz,
she wore a
Princess smile, the girl was clever,
and only I
knew everything was false.
night I spent in wet pajamas,
she tipped a
jug of water on my head,
I’d booked a
fortnight’s stay in the Bahamas -
we went to
good old Arkansas instead.
house was full of memorabilia,
twenty-six big brothers: Abe to Zeke,
her Pa was
doing time for pedophilia,
me in a closet for a week.
hit me hard, my eyes were stinging,
my head and told me to be still,
formed a ring and started singing,
I said a
silent prayer to Doctor Phil.
rite they called “initiation”
lined up and each one took a ride,
brand-new brother, in-law-fornication,
the only one
who didn’t was the bride!
I woke up in
a muddy ditch next morning,
ceremony left me with a limp,
to all you
would-be grooms – this is a warning:
don’t wed a
redneck feral female pimp!
more of my
FUNNY POEMS here