Hello! My name is Randy, I'm a dog as you can see,

I'm not your common mongrel, I've a perfect pedigree;

The bloodlines on my Father's side are part of history,

My great-great-Grandpa's Grandfather was there with General Lee!

My Uncle San Sebastipole the Third (we call him Rex)

Waits every day for female callers asking him for sex;

Now seven hundred puppies carry Uncle Rex's blood,

The show mob say he's Champion - the family call him Stud!

But things are fairly good for me, I live a life of ease,

With toenails clippered once a week and sprayed each day for fleas;

Plus vitamins and food to eat with fat-free milk as well,

I'm doused in dog deodorant and never, ever smell.

When I feel like some exercise, I'm taken to the park,

And sometimes I'm so happy, well, I very nearly bark!

So many blushing bitches see me with my head held high,

Ignoring them I always hear a huge collective sigh.

Back home again I'm dosed in case I picked up feral germs,

Then washed and brushed and filled with pills for ticks and lice and worms;

Just look at that expensive stuff all sitting on my shelf,

It gives me guilty feelings every time I lick myself!

So now you've heard my story, move in closer, stay a while,

You play your cards right baby, and you'll leave here with a smile;

Apparently your breeding's right and we're supposed to mate,

So put that rubber toy away, my dear, let's procreate!

  more of my FUNNY POEMS here