Says: “this won’t hurt a bit”

Shakes his head slowly as he scans your x-ray

Gets your test results, chuckles, and calls the nurse over to “get a load of THIS”

Takes a look inside and says: “Nurse, I’ll need a bigger pair of forceps!”

Mumbles golf scores under his breath while he’s removing your cataract.

Gives you the results of your test along with a brochure for cheap cemetery plots.

Asks if you’ve ever heard of Tibet and alternative medicine.

Writes a script for painkillers before he touches your boils.

Tells you to hold still while his hands are shaking like a leaf.

Tells the nurse a smutty joke half way through your vasectomy.

Refers you to a specialist...when you only wanted a new prescription for blood pressure pills.

Has an ambulance on standby before he cuts your warts out.

Orders flowers sent to your wife.

Confesses that he botched the blood test, and somehow you’re dying of snakebite.

Stops in the middle of your son’s circumcision to practice his chip shots.

Tells you the funniest joke you’ve ever heard ten minutes after heart surgery.