as hot as a Husky in a sauna bath

as useless as a pogo stick to a scarecrow

as erratic as a two-dollar bill on a windy street

as sweet as a two-year-old's tea party

as out of place as a virgin at a mother's club

as embarrassed as a bald guy in a barber shop

as brown as a proctologist's fingernails

as lonely as a goldfish in a jam jar

as erect as a meerkat on viagra

as fat as a trumpet player's cheeks

as fast as a punk rock band's career

as rich as a fat chef's fruitcake

as flat as a run-over cat

as cold as a leopard's look

as funny as a blow-up elephant

as boring as a grandmother's photo album

as dry as a Biafran's armpit

as inept as an octopus on a motorbike

as popular as a Mexican at an Alamo remembers ceremony

as dubious as a Lithuanian weight-lifter

as bad-tempered as a Doberman with boils

as pathetic as a schoolgirl with a check book
 

as technological as a scientist mapping an Ipod's DNA

 as messy as a molting Wookie