I still recall the BB gun I borrowed from my Pop

when I was just the tender age of nine,

I shot the neighbor's windows out, he came round with a cop,

they took the gun, my Father paid the fine.

One day I took up archery, it sounded rather good,

a sporting store supplied me with a bow,

back home in my backyard I did a scene from Robin Hood

and shot two cats, a daschund and a crow.

I paid the fine and sold the gear - the neighbors called me names,

I bought a gun and joined the Pistol Club,

in Stetson hat and cowboy boots I felt like Jesse James,

I never should have walked into that pub.

The bikies playing snooker laughed, and called me "Jesse Jane"

one targeted me with a snooker ball,

I drew like lightning, shot it, then I cocked the gun again -

it's lucky the police had got the call...

I paid the fine and lost the gun, so moved to Tennessee,

I got a job with Peterson and Sons,

a demolition company, quite big with TNT

which made a bigger bang than stupid guns!

July the fourth came round and I was keen to do things right,

to show them I was really worth my pay,

I doctored all the fireworks with plastic dynamite -

the crater that it made's still there today!

I paid the fine and headed east - Canaveral looked okay,

they thought that my idea was the best,

a proton-plasma tri-synthetic deadly laser ray,

they sent me into orbit for a test.

What happened on the way up into space I'll never know,

the fuel burned up at twice the promised rate,

with not enough to get back I asked NASA for a tow,

but Houston said I'd simply have to wait!

Oh no, this wasn't yesterday, I'm not on your TV,

it happened back in Nineteen Sixty-nine,

I'm still in space; please steal a shuttle, quick as you can be,

come rescue me - I'll even pay the fine!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here